On a scale from 1-10
As I mentioned in my previous post, this past year has been, well, life-changing. A leukaemia diagnosis found me stepping into unknown territory. As time has passed, I have found myself enjoying exploring territory I do know —my long-running book project, The Reel Deal: Real Talent, Tips, and Tales—a journey through the New Zealand Film Community. Due to my newfound time not working, I have been able to finish it.
I have been fortunate to have been accepted into a clinical trial that addresses challenging blood markers like mine. Every time I fly to Auckland to meet with the trial team, my visit starts with several questionnaires full of “on a scale from 1-10”. You know, like “ On a scale from 1-10, how would you rate your fatigue level in the last two weeks?”…fun fact for those of you who don’t know that a significant side effect of blood cancers is the fatigue, often profound fatigue, which not even a triple shot mocha latte could bring you back from. It’s challenging to say the least. Well, I always found these “1-10” questionnaires quite hard to gauge and answer, because there are often many variables and one day is different from another, etc. During my last visit, I had an epiphany moment when I went to answer the fatigue questions — the scale and my perception of it are shifting. What I used to think of as a 10 is now more like a 6 in comparison. For instance, over this last month, I have felt fatigue like I never had before, and that is coming from someone who has worked major hours under a lot of pressure on long-running film projects. The best way I can describe it is ‘ I feel like I’m shutting down’, my brain doesn’t want to work, and just walking up a flight of stairs is exhausting. Then, to top it off, I struggle to remember what a “one” feels like because it has been so long since I have felt it.
On a scale from 1-10” seems quite arbitrary now. Things can always be better, and they can always be worse than we can imagine at any given moment. On my plane ride home, my thoughts wandered to question several things “on a scale from 1-10”. Like, how difficult would it be to get my book project published? Or if I were to rate how badly the world’s political stages are performing, or how badly people are treating each other, or how likely I am to reach remission now that they took me off the trial drug again, due to complications... So many variables and experiences to feed into those markers. The news and internet are bombarded with bad examples, leaving many, including myself, to ask, “How much worse could it get?” and then it somehow does get worse. I think that, just as I hyper-focused on and asked myself how fatigued or bad I felt when completing the questionnaires, it somehow becomes easy to forget how good that number “one” feels on the scale, if it is the best it’s been.
Like I mentioned, things can always be better, and they can always be worse, easier or harder. I cannot control that, but what I can control is what I choose to focus on. I can clean off those pooh-covered glasses so that isn’t all I see, and make an effort to remember and experience the rose-coloured ones. Not because I seek ignorance, but because I seek to remember, recognise and believe we can all feel that “one” again. Whatever that might be. Baby step, baby steps.
May we all find inspiration to keep on keeping on with joy in our hearts- T
P.S. The picture is of Freddy Bear, one of my home care team, who reminds me of the good stuff.
